Waiting...

14 October 2018

I awoke this morning with a feeling of loneliness, it's a feeling I have quite often these days, although I would not openly admit that. My kids are off living their lives, doing their own thing, visiting friends and having fun, and here I sit... waiting... 

But waiting for what?  A knight in shining armor to come and rescue me? A more fulfilling life? Fun days spent with friends?  Exciting things to do?

All of these things are my own responsibility to create but I have only created isolation for myself by not allowing myself to do anything. There is always a reason why something cannot be done; no time (the kids have other plans and I have to fetch and carry), no money (I don't know what unexpected expenses may come up so I have to hold onto what I have), not the type of guy I want (when that guy I cannot even relate to)... on and on the excuses go, and yet I do not do anything about it. Ok, maybe that is not totally true, I do a little, but I never actually break the cycle.

Breaking the cycle would mean actually getting out there and actively doing more things. Deciding to do something and following through on it, not just thinking about it, or my favourite.. "planning"... Planning in my world is another way of procrastinating, because you can plan forever and never move past that phase, because it will never be perfect enough or suitable enough to meet my perception of what everybody else wants.

Everything in our lives is a choice, we choose how it is and how it will be and through the power of out thoughts we create the reality that we experience. If you decide it will be a bad day, that's the type of day you will have.. same for if you decide it will be a good day. 

Loneliness and boredom are a choice, self-made out of unrealistic expectations. So today choose to have the type of day you would love to have. Even if all the preconceived ideas you have about what it should look like aren't there, go out and do it anyway. Take the step. 

Going after your Heart

When you go after your heart, everyone around you wins, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. 

A couple of years after I got divorced, I bought my family home. I did it to ensure that my parents would always have a roof over their heads, and so I would have a bit of an investment property. The only problem was that is came with the added ties of my brothers, who never seemed able to leave.

Now it is 6 years on and I have long since moved out of the home I own, but the rest of my family continue to live there... 2 brothers, their partners and my parents in the cottage on the back. It is difficult to live there, with constant drama and 2 grown men who don't seem to want to take responsibility for their lives. I had run away from the situation, hoping that it would work itself out and everyone would find their way, but I was wrong, all I had done was enable them to continue to live out of the pockets of our parents, causing undue stress for our father, a man who is already past retirement age, but continues to work to keep the family going.

I know in my heart it is time for us all to move on, it is time for us all to take the next step in our journey; and the only way for that to happen is for me to sell the one thing that is keeping us all tied together... the house.

In the past, whenever I had spoken about changing how things operate with regards to the house, I would be shot down and chastised for not being considerate of the situations of others; I would be told that I did not care, because the boys were struggling and we should be supportive of our family. So now, to want to do this, my immediate thoughts were that I would not be heard and I would not be allowed to do the thing that I know will serve us all in the long run.

Today I took a step in favour of my heart and I went and sat with my parents to explain what I was thinking. I opened my heart to show them the genuine nature of my intended actions, to show them how this is the best step for us all. A move of tough love so that the boys no longer have an easy out to be rescued, and an action to keep the promise I had made in the first place. 

We spoke as adults, with open hearts and open minds, not an unknowing child to a parent, and I was heard, my courage to take the stand that nobody else was willing to take making itself felt in the outcome.

We are going to sell the house; the boys must find their own way, my parents will finally be able to rest and retire and I will be free of the burden of responsibility I have carried for them all. 

My heart knows the truth of us all needing to be sovereign in our own lives, to be responsible for our own destiny and it knows that that often means making difficult decisions that affect the lives of those we love... but the truth will, quite literally, set you free.