Hanging in the Tension

A while ago I wrote a blog about the house that I own and how I had followed my heart to speaking my truth and created a shift with my parents in terms of moving forward and selling my house so that our family would grow and become sovereign.

This created a huge amount of tension for me, because I "knew" that everyone would be against this move, I would get attacked, disowned and it would cause an incredible rift in the family; even more than the current living situation was doing.

I found myself in this cycle of trying to work out what I was supposed to do like get a valuation done, speak to estate agents, find out if it would be viable, what do i have to do, who must I speak to... I had to figure out how I could manipulate and convince my brothers that this was for the best. I completely forgot about what I would truly love to happen, my end result. This wasn't about me or them, it's about our parents. 

I went around and around in this cycle, one day I was going to put my foot down and make it happen, the next I was cringing in the corner trying to forget what I had to do. I had to have the discussion with my brothers about the situation but no matter how convinced I was, I "knew" there would be trouble. All the time the tension grew and the situation got worse. Months passed in this.

I would try to stay focused on my end result, I looked into it, I did processes, but I always seemed to be stuck... and I never let it go, it was always there.

And then all of a sudden a shift happened; I realized that I didn't need my brothers' permission or the acceptance of the situation in order to do what I wanted. I didn't need to convince them. What I want is true and that's all I have to focus on.

Synchronicity happened the very next day when my one brother announced to me that he was moving out and just like that the entire situation changed; the conversation became easier to initiate and moving into next phase became more tangible.

When we can hang in the tension created by a situation, we gain valuable insights into our motivations and the actions that our identity drive us to take. When we don't let go of our end result, no matter how many times we slip off the path, the tension created will always resolve in favor of it... and the best part was that I didn't have to DO anything.

Going after your Heart

When you go after your heart, everyone around you wins, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. 

A couple of years after I got divorced, I bought my family home. I did it to ensure that my parents would always have a roof over their heads, and so I would have a bit of an investment property. The only problem was that is came with the added ties of my brothers, who never seemed able to leave.

Now it is 6 years on and I have long since moved out of the home I own, but the rest of my family continue to live there... 2 brothers, their partners and my parents in the cottage on the back. It is difficult to live there, with constant drama and 2 grown men who don't seem to want to take responsibility for their lives. I had run away from the situation, hoping that it would work itself out and everyone would find their way, but I was wrong, all I had done was enable them to continue to live out of the pockets of our parents, causing undue stress for our father, a man who is already past retirement age, but continues to work to keep the family going.

I know in my heart it is time for us all to move on, it is time for us all to take the next step in our journey; and the only way for that to happen is for me to sell the one thing that is keeping us all tied together... the house.

In the past, whenever I had spoken about changing how things operate with regards to the house, I would be shot down and chastised for not being considerate of the situations of others; I would be told that I did not care, because the boys were struggling and we should be supportive of our family. So now, to want to do this, my immediate thoughts were that I would not be heard and I would not be allowed to do the thing that I know will serve us all in the long run.

Today I took a step in favour of my heart and I went and sat with my parents to explain what I was thinking. I opened my heart to show them the genuine nature of my intended actions, to show them how this is the best step for us all. A move of tough love so that the boys no longer have an easy out to be rescued, and an action to keep the promise I had made in the first place. 

We spoke as adults, with open hearts and open minds, not an unknowing child to a parent, and I was heard, my courage to take the stand that nobody else was willing to take making itself felt in the outcome.

We are going to sell the house; the boys must find their own way, my parents will finally be able to rest and retire and I will be free of the burden of responsibility I have carried for them all. 

My heart knows the truth of us all needing to be sovereign in our own lives, to be responsible for our own destiny and it knows that that often means making difficult decisions that affect the lives of those we love... but the truth will, quite literally, set you free.

Negative Vision

This past week I learnt a massive lesson regarding creating from a negative vision. A negative vision is when you go for something but it is actually in order to get away from something else, not that it looks like that at the time.

I was going after a house to rent in Edenvale.

I had been experiencing loads of trouble through my landlord / estate agent in the house I was staying in, and desperately wanted to find a new place to stay. I even took the plunge and gave in my notice at the very start of the month, so I would have the extra motivation to find a new place. Within a few days of searching I found an amazing place, and submitted my application, which was initially rejected but after further negotiation was accepted. I believed everything was sorted out, all I had to do was wait for the lease agreement and pay the deposit. This new place was a bit more expensive than what I was currently paying, but I could make it work with a bit of juggling.

All the while I was still fighting with my landlord to get my problems with them sorted out, they simply did not seem to care.

I signed the lease for the new place, and paid the deposit, rent and all the little extras. It was difficult to pull that amount of money together all at once. I kept thinking about how much extra I would be spending every month, and if the expense is really justified, how it would change the standard of living for my family that I had only just managed to improve.

On Friday, on the weekend I was meant to move into my new place, the estate agent called to tell me that the owner had decided to let to another person and had not advised them… there was no new house for me.

I had lost my house to rent in Edenvale.

The negative vision had been created because I wanted a new house to live in, because I wanted to get away from the landlord / estate agents that were messing me around, and although it is still an end result for me to have a home in Edenvale, I was creating it here in a dysfunctional way.  

My focus the whole time had actually been on the money, and getting back at my landlord.

What I learnt was that you need to be sure of where your focus really is. All the things that creep up around what you would love, are the things that pull your focus off, and don’t let go of your focus on your end result until it has actually been realised. This is why it is important to have a coach who can help you to see past the smoke-screen of your identity because without mine, I don’t think I would have, and to keep on practicing and learning to raise your awareness around the truth of what is really going on.

Resistance and the Start

This post was originally written on 28 August 2015, when I was in the throws of trying to live the life I would love, without the safety net of a full time job, or significant extra income. 

I had similar resistance to starting this blog, but I know that it is true for me to write in this format, so I had to cross the threshold once again and venture into the unknown... Welcome to the journey!

Getting this website up and running has been one unbelievable experience – in resistance!

I had bought the domain a few months ago with a view to making it a promotional website for a dedicated corporate training program that I had developed, and now I had decided that I wanted to change it into what you see here, a personal blog website that (hopefully) will inspire change in a few people’s lives. But, like with any good idea, the resistance kicked in.

Let me explain to you what resistance is; it is all of those things that happen that stop you from doing what you actually set out to do. Everything from the excuses you make about why it isn’t being done, to the other “important” issues that suddenly crop up, and even as extreme as causing major disasters in your life. Resistance is your unconscious assumptions and belief systems playing out.

In my case resistance reared its ugly head in the form of not knowing what the hell I was trying to do here. I didn’t know how to build a website and I definitely didn’t have any means to pay someone to do it. Plus, I had that little voice telling me how I simply wasn’t good enough yet, I didn’t understand the work I was trying to teach enough yet, and who the hell would want to read what I have to say? And the biggest of all, the fact that I was aiming to put myself out into the world and open myself up to be judged. Needless to say, the voice won and I procrastinated. Heck, I got so convinced that I just couldn’t do this that I subconsciously shut down my internet connection for two whole days! No matter what I did I couldn’t get online to work on this website. I simply was not ready for that type of exposure.

Through completing a process with my coach, I was able to determine that I have an assumption playing out that says in order to avoid getting hurt, I will avoid going for what I want. This assumption meant that I basically would avoid creating my website, because in my mind that meant I would be hurt through the exposure I was opening myself up for. No wonder I wasn’t getting anything done!

Obviously the fact that you are reading this on my website means that I got through my resistance. I built the site, created the content and now have completed my first blog post.

When we understand what drives the resistance we are able to acknowledge it for the story that it is, and rationally see that what is holding us back is not the “truth” of the matter. I have acknowledged that my fear of exposure is high, but I will not die from it. It is after all a big part of why I wanted to create this site in the first place, to be held accountable. 

Inspiration Pictures