I'm Not Capable

I have absolutely no self-discipline. It is the most difficult thing for me to actually do what I set out to do. I will always create some kind of distraction or outside event to keep me busy doing everything except what I set out to do. Or even worse, I will just sit there, knowing I had things I wanted to do, and just not do it. 

Here's an example, so I have made a decision to drink more water every day, be healthier and get in my fluids. Which is great, I am enthusiastic to get to it. 

The first day I am usually quite good, get in a couple of glasses, remember to carry a bottle around with me, have a bottle in the car. I feel good.

The second day, I forget to refill the bottle in my car, get to work and only feel like drinking coffee, I don't drink a single glass of water. But, it's ok, I can carry on again tomorrow... only it doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I hear the little voice in my head telling me that I should rather have a glass of water instead of the coffee, but I do it anyway. It reminds me to get the bottle out of my car to refill it, I just don't do it.

Day three and I completely forget everything I set out to do and just leave it. I am back in my old pattern and routine. I get depressed.

What do I do to fix this?  How do I get out of this pattern? Why do I always do this?

How you do anything is how you do everything. 

In my ego world, I am not allowed to be capable. This is a fundamental belief that I hold, so I play this out by never actually doing anything unless it has the stamp of approval from some authority (which isn't me). Or, as in this case, I start but give up half way because I cannot do it without someone else holding me accountable to continue. 

In my ego world I have an invisibility belief, and I have to be needed in order to be seen. But then, when I am needed, I am not allowed to be capable and I create situations where those who need me have to save the situation, which results in me being pushed aside and any further efforts to help being ignored, making me "invisible".

To be capable of changing my life would mean that I no longer need to be "saved" and if I don't need to be "saved" then nobody would know that I even existed... 

To stay safe I need to play small and not be capable, and that is why I struggle to stretch myself or even challenge myself to do something, anything; because if I do and I succeed, then I would have proved my beliefs wrong and what other things would I be forced to accept were untrue? What would that actually mean about who I am?

Negative Vision

This past week I learnt a massive lesson regarding creating from a negative vision. A negative vision is when you go for something but it is actually in order to get away from something else, not that it looks like that at the time.

I was going after a house to rent in Edenvale.

I had been experiencing loads of trouble through my landlord / estate agent in the house I was staying in, and desperately wanted to find a new place to stay. I even took the plunge and gave in my notice at the very start of the month, so I would have the extra motivation to find a new place. Within a few days of searching I found an amazing place, and submitted my application, which was initially rejected but after further negotiation was accepted. I believed everything was sorted out, all I had to do was wait for the lease agreement and pay the deposit. This new place was a bit more expensive than what I was currently paying, but I could make it work with a bit of juggling.

All the while I was still fighting with my landlord to get my problems with them sorted out, they simply did not seem to care.

I signed the lease for the new place, and paid the deposit, rent and all the little extras. It was difficult to pull that amount of money together all at once. I kept thinking about how much extra I would be spending every month, and if the expense is really justified, how it would change the standard of living for my family that I had only just managed to improve.

On Friday, on the weekend I was meant to move into my new place, the estate agent called to tell me that the owner had decided to let to another person and had not advised them… there was no new house for me.

I had lost my house to rent in Edenvale.

The negative vision had been created because I wanted a new house to live in, because I wanted to get away from the landlord / estate agents that were messing me around, and although it is still an end result for me to have a home in Edenvale, I was creating it here in a dysfunctional way.  

My focus the whole time had actually been on the money, and getting back at my landlord.

What I learnt was that you need to be sure of where your focus really is. All the things that creep up around what you would love, are the things that pull your focus off, and don’t let go of your focus on your end result until it has actually been realised. This is why it is important to have a coach who can help you to see past the smoke-screen of your identity because without mine, I don’t think I would have, and to keep on practicing and learning to raise your awareness around the truth of what is really going on.