Waiting...

14 October 2018

I awoke this morning with a feeling of loneliness, it's a feeling I have quite often these days, although I would not openly admit that. My kids are off living their lives, doing their own thing, visiting friends and having fun, and here I sit... waiting... 

But waiting for what?  A knight in shining armor to come and rescue me? A more fulfilling life? Fun days spent with friends?  Exciting things to do?

All of these things are my own responsibility to create but I have only created isolation for myself by not allowing myself to do anything. There is always a reason why something cannot be done; no time (the kids have other plans and I have to fetch and carry), no money (I don't know what unexpected expenses may come up so I have to hold onto what I have), not the type of guy I want (when that guy I cannot even relate to)... on and on the excuses go, and yet I do not do anything about it. Ok, maybe that is not totally true, I do a little, but I never actually break the cycle.

Breaking the cycle would mean actually getting out there and actively doing more things. Deciding to do something and following through on it, not just thinking about it, or my favourite.. "planning"... Planning in my world is another way of procrastinating, because you can plan forever and never move past that phase, because it will never be perfect enough or suitable enough to meet my perception of what everybody else wants.

Everything in our lives is a choice, we choose how it is and how it will be and through the power of out thoughts we create the reality that we experience. If you decide it will be a bad day, that's the type of day you will have.. same for if you decide it will be a good day. 

Loneliness and boredom are a choice, self-made out of unrealistic expectations. So today choose to have the type of day you would love to have. Even if all the preconceived ideas you have about what it should look like aren't there, go out and do it anyway. Take the step. 

Sabotage

It's that moment of stunning realisation when you can see exactly how all of the stuff you are going through right now; how you created it.  You had a part in making it a reality. Really think about that for a moment... 

What if, All that has to happen for you to get rid of it is to acknowledge and accept your part.

Can you?

When you are stuck in the middle of all your problems, worry and drama, the last thing you think about is how you created it... You think that surely I didn't cause the stupid traffic jam, my Internet being off, getting that unexpected call, having no money...

If you understand the concept that your focus creates your reality, and that whatever you focus your attention on, you will make real in your world; then that is how you know you created those things. For example, you do something at work and keep on thinking that you are going to get caught out, what happens?  You have a major meeting that you cannot be late for, what happens? You get some money unexpectedly and you think you can finally do something for yourself, what happens?
You are so busy looking for and expecting the bad things to happen that you make them happen! Your focus creates your reality.

Let me explain how this works.  When you go after anything that you would love (to have, be, do) you are going to experience resistance. Resistance is your ego's way of keep you secure within what you know, what is safe and what is believed. It has to protect you and ensure your survival. If you don't know what is going to happen, then how can you know its safe?!
The problem with this is that it keeps you away from what you would love by making you feel afraid, nervous and any other emotion to distract you from making any kind of positive move towards what you want.  You think about things like you cannot have the better things because you don't have money, you can't get the leave, on and on it goes, and you believe the story. What you would love becomes secondary; you create from your ego to prove your story true.

Hanging in the Tension

A while ago I wrote a blog about the house that I own and how I had followed my heart to speaking my truth and created a shift with my parents in terms of moving forward and selling my house so that our family would grow and become sovereign.

This created a huge amount of tension for me, because I "knew" that everyone would be against this move, I would get attacked, disowned and it would cause an incredible rift in the family; even more than the current living situation was doing.

I found myself in this cycle of trying to work out what I was supposed to do like get a valuation done, speak to estate agents, find out if it would be viable, what do i have to do, who must I speak to... I had to figure out how I could manipulate and convince my brothers that this was for the best. I completely forgot about what I would truly love to happen, my end result. This wasn't about me or them, it's about our parents. 

I went around and around in this cycle, one day I was going to put my foot down and make it happen, the next I was cringing in the corner trying to forget what I had to do. I had to have the discussion with my brothers about the situation but no matter how convinced I was, I "knew" there would be trouble. All the time the tension grew and the situation got worse. Months passed in this.

I would try to stay focused on my end result, I looked into it, I did processes, but I always seemed to be stuck... and I never let it go, it was always there.

And then all of a sudden a shift happened; I realized that I didn't need my brothers' permission or the acceptance of the situation in order to do what I wanted. I didn't need to convince them. What I want is true and that's all I have to focus on.

Synchronicity happened the very next day when my one brother announced to me that he was moving out and just like that the entire situation changed; the conversation became easier to initiate and moving into next phase became more tangible.

When we can hang in the tension created by a situation, we gain valuable insights into our motivations and the actions that our identity drive us to take. When we don't let go of our end result, no matter how many times we slip off the path, the tension created will always resolve in favor of it... and the best part was that I didn't have to DO anything.

Lessons from Ten Pin Bowling

From the moment I arrived at the bowling hall, I knew that this was going to be a tough afternoon. The boisterous youngsters’ we were set to play with were teasing and joking among themselves, of long standing point feuds to be settled that day, at this very next tournament. I immediately began to feel anxious, how would I compete? I am no good at this…

It was amazing, that in a few short steps I had allowed my beliefs and assumptions to completely take control of my thoughts, I could feel myself begin to withdraw and if it weren’t for the fear of being ridiculed, I might have not even played at all. I pretended that everything was fantastic, that I was having as much fun as everyone else around me, but inside I was falling apart.

I cannot stand not being able to do anything amazingly on the first try, I cannot stand the idea that someone might laugh at me, or judge me, or find me lacking… even if I know that everyone else is possibly playing just as badly as I am. I allow it to consume me so that it sucks the life out of every “fun” game I attempt.

As I take my first step up to the bowling lane, I have a fleeting thought rush across my mind, like a convict fleeing from a daring prison escape, not wanting to be caught, “Focus creates Reality!” it shouts. I pause… “Of course!” I step up to the line, look at the pins lined up neatly on the end and toss the ball squarely down the lane to take out 5 pins. I feel pretty good about myself and the next ball crashes unceremoniously into the gutter.

We played 3 games of 10 turns each, and every time it was my turn, I would set my focus on the target, sometimes I would hit them, but often I would not. I finished stone last.

The interesting thing with the whole exercise was the Awareness that I held around what I was playing out. I could clearly see when I was focused on the actual target (because then I would hit the pins) and when I was actually focused on doing something wrong, like my foot slipping if I walked up to quickly or thinking that I shouldn’t get it in the gutter again. I would literally catch the thought as it left my mind and knew every time why I had missed, because I could see what my last thought had been of.

The lesson that was reinforced for me was that we are always focused on something, we want to think that we are focused on achieving whatever task we have set out to accomplish, however usually we are focused on our beliefs or assumptions, in my case not wanting to make a fool of myself and not being good enough at the game to compete, and we aren’t even aware that we are doing it.

In mastering life, the key is all about awareness, as to what actions your thoughts and feelings are driving you to take and of where your focus actually is, because when you focus on your thoughts and feelings all you do is recreate the thing you were hoping to avoid in the first place. But, when you focus on your End Result, and don’t let go of it until the very end when it is created, that is when true magic happens.

I'm Not Capable

I have absolutely no self-discipline. It is the most difficult thing for me to actually do what I set out to do. I will always create some kind of distraction or outside event to keep me busy doing everything except what I set out to do. Or even worse, I will just sit there, knowing I had things I wanted to do, and just not do it. 

Here's an example, so I have made a decision to drink more water every day, be healthier and get in my fluids. Which is great, I am enthusiastic to get to it. 

The first day I am usually quite good, get in a couple of glasses, remember to carry a bottle around with me, have a bottle in the car. I feel good.

The second day, I forget to refill the bottle in my car, get to work and only feel like drinking coffee, I don't drink a single glass of water. But, it's ok, I can carry on again tomorrow... only it doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I hear the little voice in my head telling me that I should rather have a glass of water instead of the coffee, but I do it anyway. It reminds me to get the bottle out of my car to refill it, I just don't do it.

Day three and I completely forget everything I set out to do and just leave it. I am back in my old pattern and routine. I get depressed.

What do I do to fix this?  How do I get out of this pattern? Why do I always do this?

How you do anything is how you do everything. 

In my ego world, I am not allowed to be capable. This is a fundamental belief that I hold, so I play this out by never actually doing anything unless it has the stamp of approval from some authority (which isn't me). Or, as in this case, I start but give up half way because I cannot do it without someone else holding me accountable to continue. 

In my ego world I have an invisibility belief, and I have to be needed in order to be seen. But then, when I am needed, I am not allowed to be capable and I create situations where those who need me have to save the situation, which results in me being pushed aside and any further efforts to help being ignored, making me "invisible".

To be capable of changing my life would mean that I no longer need to be "saved" and if I don't need to be "saved" then nobody would know that I even existed... 

To stay safe I need to play small and not be capable, and that is why I struggle to stretch myself or even challenge myself to do something, anything; because if I do and I succeed, then I would have proved my beliefs wrong and what other things would I be forced to accept were untrue? What would that actually mean about who I am?

The day I let go of... (Part 1)

The day I let go of... money

I can remember it as if it were yesterday; but it wasn't one of those really incredible days when you know that you have just endured something profound. It was pitiful and full of heartache, I felt as though my heart would be ripped from my chest. My entire world was ending.

I had no money, it was the end of the month. I could pay my rent but would not have money left for anything. I had been stressing about this for the entire month before, and yet still chose to (a month before) go overseas to do some more training. This was a choice that left me feeling very perplexed and guilty, because now I was knowingly putting my family in danger of loosing everything. And yet, that is still exactly what I did. 

But that is not how I let go of money...

I had kept it secret from my family the extent of our financial situation. I had lied when I went overseas, and I now had to admit what I had done to them. In the space of a few short weeks we would be living on the street. 

I had no job, no way to save us, no way to lend money as I already had collected excessive debt, no way to control the outcome anymore.

Admitting the situation to my family was the hardest thing I have ever done. My children looked down on me in disappointment.

That was when I broke. I could not stand that look in their eyes. 

I let go of my need for money when I sat for the first time and actually acknowledged the extent of my financial crisis. When I looked at the total numbers and realized exactly how deep in poop I was, I had nothing left to do but accept where I was. I had hit rock bottom and they were going to come and take away everything I have, everything we have. I couldn't do anything about it. I had lost my opportunity to turn it all around. That was the day that I decided that I could live through any situation that I could put myself in, I would go and live under a tree if that is what I had to do. And just like that, I let go of the need to have things and do things, to have this car or that, this house, these clothes, these things that are supposed to make you special. 

"When you can decide that you are more than your circumstances, is when you change your life." Viktor Frankel 

I was offered and employed in a job within the week. I would not have anything taken away from us, all the accounts would be paid. 

I had that job for about 6 months, then got another job with higher pay and company benefits, 6 months later again I got another job where I am now exceedingly happy, with a higher salary still and better benefits. We do not struggle for money anymore, we do not want for anything.

What you resist, persists. I was resisting being poor, I was resisting failing at my business, I was resisting disappointing my family. That's exactly what I created.

I created this massive tension that resolved in favour of my family living a good life, because if I am really honest that was all I really wanted to have from the start.

Originally written in August 2015, I was at one of my lowest points and even having the training and tools I have, could not see anything good on the horizon. I managed to pull another good distraction and got stuck in my story. I tried to pretend that it wasn't happening, focus on the higher! But, actually I was focussed on how much shit I was in.

It’s the last day of the month and my debit orders are about to start pinging off on my phone. I am at my wits end. I know I will have enough money to cover the majority of my major expenses, especially the debit orders and my rent, but the problem is that the money isn’t all in my account right now, and won’t be until the middle of the month. This, to any rational person, would not be such a major issue except for the fact that they might have to tell a few creditors to try again in a few days. The world will not end. I will not be blacklisted, I will not have my possessions taken away.

The thing is that I don’t like to owe anyone anything and, I have an assumption that says that Money creates conflict, so whenever anything has to do with money, it is going to create some form of conflict. As in; I will have to spend what little I have on fixing something unexpectedly, or one of my income streams will have a hiccup and not pay out, or I will have a splurge and spend it on some junk food or an evening out, which will leave me without enough money to meet my obligations and therefore, create conflict.  

I have not had many times in my life where I have had to deal with situations like this. Even after being unemployed since the beginning of the year, I have still managed to keep my little family ticking over and meeting my obligations.

Being able to get through a time like this has to do with staying focussed on a higher ideal, your higher vision. In my case that is building a fun and vibrant events business, together with living my passion of coaching and teaching others. It is when you stay focussed on what end results you want to create, that you begin to operate from a creative orientation, and can stay ahead of the game.

Let me explain a bit more about how the process works. Imagine in your mind’s eye that you have an elastic band pulled tight between your two fingers. Your left hand finger represents the vision of what you want to create, and the right hand finger represents what is going on for you right now in your every-day life or current reality. The taut band in between the two causes creative tension. Your subconscious mind then gets put under strain to resolve the creative tension, which it does by listening to where you put the most focus, i.e. if your focus is on your limiting beliefs, then you will keep on creating more of what is happening in your current reality. But, if your focus is on creating an epic end result, then your subconscious delivers to you creative and unique ways to achieve your vision.

So guess where I have been focused…